If the Detroit Tigers abortion of an abomination season wasn't bad enough on about 1,000 levels, the fact that it appears that the human melanoma (Jim Leyland) has decided he isn't going to meltdown and quit anytime soon makes this debacle even worse.

(Well, we can always hold out hope for a school shooting in the Metro area to expedite Cancer Stick's departure in the near future, but that seems pretty cynical. Even for me.)

I mean, at least if the Emaciated Manager with the Caved in Face decided to retire and become a professional slots player, at least there would be SOMETHING to look forward to in 2009.

Instead we have to deal with shit like I am going to write about.

I don't want to go all Rob Neyer on you, but it is once again time to do a little comparison.

Player A:

240 At-Bats
.221 Batting Average
10 HR
39 RBI
.323 OBP
.743 OPS
1 cunty wife who cries to Bernie Smilovitz about her husband's playing time

Player B:

174 At-Bats
.276 Batting Average
12 HR
31 RBI
.335 OBP
.916 OPS
0 significant others who bitch to local sportscasters about playing time

So let's see here, one guy has about 70 less at-bats, but has hit more home runs, possesses a better batting average, a higher on-base percentage and a far superior OPS.

The guy with less at-bats also is a rookie and hasn't proven to be a flailing failure for years in the Major Leagues.

The guy with the almost .200 point higher OPS also hasn't made an art form of the check-swing strikeout.

The dude with the batting average almost 60 points higher also has never demanded a trade from his team or had his wife commence a media campaign to gain sympathy from his fanbase.

Yet as we sit here nearing the end of August, not only is Player A an everyday player for the remainder of this disgusting season, HE HAS ALREADY BEEN GIVEN A GUARANTEE THAT HE WILL BE A STARTER NEXT YEAR.

And Player B? Well, even though this current season is more lost than Oceanic Flight 815, he still to this day is a platoon player.

Yep, Player B is currently spitting time with a dude with a hole in his swing the size of Mississippi and another fuck who is making $13 million a year to complain that he isn't given enough time to ground into double plays and wants to play the outfield even though he has a hard time throwing a ball 10 feet.

And if you haven't figured out by now that we are talking about Brandon Inge and Matt Joyce, then you are too fucking retarded to be a member of Howard Stern's wackpack.

So while Cancer Stick has repeatedly stated that [Shani's Husband] is locked in at catcher next year and how he needs to work on handling the pitching staff and shortening up his swing, Joyce is on the outside looking in.

Please don't give me this fucking shit that the problem with the Tigers is that they have too many Hispanic players. THEIR PROBLEM IS THEY HAVE TOO MANY PLAYERS WHO ARE FAVORED BY THEIR MANAGER NO MATTER HOW THEY PRODUCE.

Nothing is accomplished through merit with Leyland. If you are one of his guys on this Tigers team or you helped him win with the Marlins during the last century, you can molest his young son Patrick and all is forgotten when the lineup card comes out.

Don't forget, even though Armando Galarraga was pitching lights out earlier in the year, his spot in the rotation was almost pulled upon Dontrelle Willis' return.

Who the fuck knows what would have happened with Galarraga if Willis could have located the strike zone without the assistance of a Garmin.

Which brings us to Matt Joyce. This is what Oncology's Patient of the Year had to say about the outfielder last week:

"I really like Joyce a lot. ... Joyce is not a regular player up here yet, by any means. Joyce is a prospect for this team next year. Joyce is not a slam dunk to be on this team next year. Is he one of the top candidates? Sure. But is he a slam dunk? Absolutely not."

First things first here. Joyce should be playing EVERY FUCKING DAY FOR THE REMAINDER OF 2008.

Against righties.

Against lefties.

Against the ambidextrous.

Against dudes without any limbs.

(In a small sample of at-bats against southpaws there isn't much of a difference in Joyce's numbers anyhow. As opposed to Marcus Thames who is hitting a whopping .204 against them this year!!!!! I know this might be impossible for Leyland to comprehend, but Thames is ACTUALLY better against righties.)

Why the fuck does this guy ever sit? I mean, what are we learning from playing Thames and Gary Sheffield? We don't know what we have from those two yet?

The guy is a lefty with a sweet swing, power, a good glove and ZERO PERSONAL PROTECTION ORDERS FILED AGAINST LYNN HENNING.

He has it all.

Except a regular spot on this team this year or in 2009.

Maybe he should find a broad to bitch to Don Shane about this situation. Or cry to the media that he can't hit well when he isn't sure he is playing every night. Or bitch that opposing pitchers treat him like Ted Williams.

Or maybe he should just try to hit a fucking home run in every at-bat while flirting with the Mendoza line.

Because that sure as shit seems to be the way to gain a place in Leyland's heart.

Or Joyce can cross his fingers like the rest of us and pray that the Tigers' manager chokes on his postgame meal that he spits all over the media during their gathering every night and croaks.

Pistons General Manager Joe Dumars on June 3, 2008: "There are no sacred cows here. (Except Rodney Stuckey.) Everybody's in play. (Except Rodney Stuckey.) I've seen enough. (Except Rodney Stuckey.)"

Pistons General Manager Joe Dumars on July 1, 2008: [Crickets chirping.]

Pistons General Manager Joe Dumars on August 17, 2008: [Tumbleweed rolls down Lapeer Road as "The Tumblin' Tumbleweed Song" from "The Big Lebowski" echoes in the background.]

It has now been 2 1/2 months since Joe Dumars angrily told a Detroit media gathering that there would be massive changes in store for the Pistons this summer after yet ANOTHER disappointing Eastern Conference Finals debacle.

It has now been 2 1/2 months since every member of the Pistons who didn't attend a small college in Washington state was put on the trading block.

It has now been 2 1/2 months since Joe Dumars had "seen enough" of this current Pistons lineup.

And yet, the biggest change to occur around 3 Championship Drive (sorry, anything that bleeds for seven days and doesn't die isn't entitled to the altering of a street name) in the past 2 1/2 months is the Detroit News has a new Pistons beat writer.

Yes, the DSR's favorite whipping boy, Chris "Officer Barbrady" McCosky has been demoted by that piece of trash chronicle. The man who has been the "Bizarro" Gary Hobson has lost his gig covering Detroit's basketball team on a daily basis.

And I am not sure what caused this change. I mean, the guy was dead on the money so many times. Like when he claimed that Rick Carlisle wasn't going anywhere or when he denied that the Pistons were acquiring Rasheed Wallace or when he penned that Twitch Saunders was keeping his job ....... the day before he got axed.

It took a long time, but the paper finally realized that they were employing a man who BOTCHED EVERY MAJOR STORY FOR A TEAM HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE INTIMATELY COVERING. There were times when the thought ran across my brain that the Free Press was paying McCosky to get shit WRONG. That is how bad he was.

(Well, that was when I thought the people at the Freep knew what they were doing. That was before they gave Jamie "Jizz Bucket" Samuelsen a blog.)

Unfortunately they replaced one abortion with another. The new beat writer for the team is JoAnne "The Gunt" Gerstner. A broad who is so lazy she actually complained about the PROMOTION because it meant she would actually have to work hard.

All I can say about this move is that the Palace better lay out more food for the press corps before games and the News might want to put bulletproof glass up in the editor's offices.

The rumor/urban-legend is that McCosky (in an effort to break all stereotypes about out-of-control Irishmen) once was allegedly dismissed by the Ann Arbor News for having anger management issues.

You know, the same guy who had to be restrained by MLIVE's A. Sherrod Blakely from pummeling an Orlando radio jock during this year's Pistons-Magic series because the guy was belittling McCosky's beloved Pistons.

Well, that might not be the biggest change to the Pistons, but it wasn't like I was about to pass on a chance to throw dirt on the grave of Officer Barbrady.

Actually, the biggest move that Dumars has made this summer is hiring a head coach who is about as coherent as a cross between Mumbles from "Dick Tracy" and Mushmouth from "Fat Albert".

One of Guntner's first duties at her new gig should be to find a translator because I am not sure anyone can understand what is coming out of new head coach Michael Curry's mouth.

And I thought Curry was a horrible professional basketball player. Well, compared to his elocution abilities his offensive skills make him look like Pete Maravich. I mean, shouldn't a job requirement for an NBA head coach include the ability to communicate?

Listen, I am as happy as anyone that Twitch got the hook, but why Michael Curry? The same Michael Curry who almost everyone in town remembers from his awful playing days and cockblocking of Tayshaun Prince's development. (Of course, that wasn't Curry's fault, it was Carlisle's, but still.)

The same Michael Curry who was accused of being a spy for Kevin O'Neill when Curry was still "playing" for the Toronto Raptors after the Pistons let him go.

Please read that last paragraph again. Curry's teammates in Toronto actually thought he was snooping around the locker room and reporting to the head coach beyond their backs.

I know Avery Johnson voice sounds like something from a cartoon mouse TV show, but AT LEAST he is audible, has had some head coaching experience and was never accused of treason during his playing days.

So as the upcoming NBA season gets closer we are still stuck with the same stale team that has proven time and time again that they can't get the job done.

Rasheed Wallace? Still on the team.

The team cancer who was an abomination in the Celtics series and who alienated his teammates with his behavior toward certain Boston players and then showed up late and slept walked through Game Six of the ECF still has a place on this squad.

And that shit from the Charles Barkleys of the world who believe that Rasheed is the most talented player in the NBA and just doesn't want to be a "superstar" really needs to stop as well.

He isn't that good anymore. He was never THAT good. This myth that Rasheed Wallace is some incredibly talented goofball who just is too unselfish to be a Kevin Garnett type of guy is just that. A FUCKING MYTH.

And Dumars should get rid of this 34-year old melanoma before the rest of the Barkley influenced world comes to the conclusion that Wallace just ain't that good anymore.

While I am writing this article I am listening to Chris Rock's epic concert "Bring the Pain". You know, the one where Rock compares black people to "niggers" and claims that books are like Kryptonite to a "nigger"?

Well in the spirit of the greatest comedy concert of all-time, WIDE-OPEN 16-FOOT JUMP SHOTS DURING THE EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS ARE LIKE KRYPTONITE TO TAYSHAUN PRINCE.

I am actually a fan of Prince, but I am so sick of this current roster that I wouldn't have minded Dumars shipping the US Olympian to a different city for some scoring.

Or how about trading either Chauncey Billups or Rip Hamilton away to free up a starting spot for the sole "sacred cow" on the team?

Sirius(-XM)ly, are you telling me that Dumars couldn't swing a deal with any of the league's GMs for one of his starting five? We aren't exactly talking about the brightest bunch of executives in the world.

Just something to shake up the core. Are you telling me that not one of the assortment of [Simple Jack] GMs couldn't have been had?

I don't believe it for a second.

Here is what I think happened. I think Dumars watched the NBA Finals AFTER putting his entire team on the block (except for the guy who looks like 50 Cent).

He saw the Celtics win the title fairly easily against a Lakers team that came out of that "juggernaut" Western Conference.

He sat back and thought, well, maybe if we didn't choke a ten point, fourth quarter lead in Game Six, we could have won the deciding game in Boston and went on to a championship.

Maybe this unit CAN make one more run with a "tougher" coach in "Jonathan Pollard" Curry and a more experienced Stuckey in the rotation.

Because I don't believe that he couldn't have received fair market value for ANY of his players who have made six straight ECFs. I am not buying it and Joe D. shouldn't be selling it.

Well, actually Dumars did make one personnel move this summer. He acquired a guy (Kwame Brown) who makes his Darko Miliic pick look like the New Patriots Patriots selection of Tom Brady.

The same Kwame Brown who Michael Jordan used to bring to tears.

The same Kwame Brown who was so hated by Wizards fans, before a playoff game, Gilbert Arenas had to actually make a pre-game Jumbotron plea to the crowd so they wouldn't boo Kwame during the game.

The same Kwame Brown who was so bad in Memphis that the Grizzlies chose not to re-sign him this offseason even though they gave up Pau "Slanty Eyes" Gasol to acquire the career underachiever.

THIS was Joe Dumars master fucking plan? To bring in a guy who probably by Thanksgiving will be the most hated "Detroit Kwame" in the suburbs. And that is really saying something.

I can just imagine Kenny Holland getting to the Final 4 for six straight seasons and deciding, you know what this team needs to get over the top?

Alexander Daigle!!!!!

And I am well aware that the NBA season doesn't start for another couple of months. But is there anyone out there holding out hope that the Pistons are going to actually shake up this team?

I can just see the anger dissipating and the thoughts of "If Chauncey was just healthy against Boston, we might have done it" creeping into Dumars' head.

The Pistons suffered an incredibly disappointing end to their season and their major offseason move is to sign the worst first overall pick in the history of the NBA.

The Red Wings won the Stanley Cup and their major summer transaction was to sign the best player on their Finals opponents squad to a below market deal.

Even Officer Barbrady couldn't have missed the irony in that story.

It has been almost five months since I updated the main page with a posting.

The Pistons annual Eastern Conference Finals choke didn't get me riled up enough to write jackshit.

The Red Wings Stanley Cup run couldn't even motivate me enough to post a new article.

And nothing that Jim "Cancer Stick" Leyland has done so far this season got me off my lazy (Gregg Schultz™) ass to update the DSR's main page.

Even though this current Detroit Tigers season is quite possibly the most disappointing and frustrating in my sports lifetime I have exclusively saved my venom for the DSR Forums.

And I actually have given this topic a lot of thought and the current Tigers season is definitely in the top three of worst Motown sports seasons in the last 30 years.

The only comparable in my mind are the following:

The 1992 Detroit Lions and the Detroit Red Wings in 1996.

The Lions in '92 were coming off their best season since who the fuck knows when. They went 12 and 4. They actually beat the Packers in Green Bay. THEY WON A FUCKING PLAYOFF GAME. They reached the NFC Championship.

And even though they got absolutely shellacked by the Redskins in that title match-up, the team was considered one of the up-and-coming franchises in the league. (One of the other teams in that conversation was the Cowboys who they easily dispatched of in the '91 postseason. By a score of 38-6.)

The team had an impressive defense. They had the most exciting player in the league in Barry Sanders. And at the end of the '91 season, their first round pick, Herman Moore, was coming into his own.

This might seem shocking now in the Matt Millen Era, but Lions fans actually thought they had a legitimate shot to get to the next level when the '92 season started.

So how did the Lions follow-up their banner '91 season? Well, they started off by losing five of their first six games on their way to a 5-11 record.

In Week 10 they got dismantled at home by the Cowboys by a score of 37-3 at the Silverdome. The same Cowboys who eventually would win the Super Bowl that year. The same Dallas team who the Lions were supposed to be on par with going into THAT season.

In a century of disappointing seasons, the 1992 Lions took the cake. (The horrendous abortion of a year actually was foreshadowed when starting offensive lineman Eric Andolsek was killed during the summer while CUTTING HIS FREAKING LAWN by an out of control truck.)

The 1996 Wings were disappointing in an all together different way. They didn't flop during the regular season like the '92 Lions, they did the EXACT opposite.

The team was coming off an amazingly frustrating Stanley Cup appearance against the neutral-zone trapping bunch of pussies from New Jersey in '95.

After waiting for decades for a Stanley Cup championship, the Wings were swept by the Devils and their queer center ice clogging tactics.

In '96 though, the team came back with a vengeance. The Wings won 62 games which was the most any team had ever won during a regular season. Their 131 points were only one behind the vaunted Canadiens team of 1976-7.

It was basically a foregone conclusion that the Wings were going to hoist their first Cup since 1955 and first since the league expanded from a measly six teams.

Well, it WAS a forgone conclusion until the postseason started.

Then the Wings struggled with the Winnipeg Jets in the first round.

In the second round they met St. Louis and needed seven games and a Steve Yzerman overtime shot from the blueline to avoid the embarrassment of a second round loss. After winning 62 regular season games.

In the Western Conference Finals there would be no miracle victory. That will happen when you face Patrick Roy as opposed to Jon Casey in net.

Not only did the Avalanche fuck the Wings in the ass it was also the infamous series in which Claude Lemieux rearranged Kris Draper's face.

62 wins.

131 points.

41 years without a Cup.

8 months of the longest dick teasing, lap dance in the history of mankind.

And as disappointing and frustrating as those two Detroit sports seasons were, this current Tigers team might trump them both.

And I am not about to rehash every moment of this abomination of a train wreck season.

You have watched the flailing managing "skills" of Leyland for four months. (A man who continues to have a sub-.500 record for his career. Not that you would know that from the constant fellatio he still gets from the Detroit media.)

You have witnessed the atrocious bullpen that Dave Dombrowksi thought was sufficient enough to win the AL Central.

You have watched Edgar Rentawreckaria do his best imitation of Deivi Cruz at shortstop while Jair Jurrjens has pitched lights out for the Atlanta Braves.

You have read the stories of Jeremy Bonderman suffering a season ending injury and needing a surgery where one of his ribs was removed™ (Marilyn Manson).

You have watched Justin Verlander develop into a total mental midget who can't retire Sal Fasano or pitch effectively against teams in his own division.

I could go on and on about the failed Jacque Jones red bat experiment, [Shani's Husband]'s tango with the Mendoza line, Nate Robertson's 6 plus ERA, but what is the point?

This season has been more frustrating then owning Big 3 stock.

I mean, we are so fucking putrid that can't even catch a team that:

1) Traded away its Cy Young starting pitcher during the offseason.

2) Let their All-Star centerfielder walk away via free-agency.

3) Kept their best starting pitcher in the minor leagues for financial reasons revolving around service time.

4) Released a starting pitcher with ten wins (more than any Tigers starting pitcher at the time) because the team was afraid of the guy meeting an incentive clause in his contract.

THAT IS THE TEAM THAT THE TIGERS ARE NOW SEVEN GAMES BEHIND! Unreal.

A team with a $138 million payroll can't even compete against a franchise that makes Gilbert Gottfried look like a spendthrift.

If the Minnesota Twins were a stereotype they would be Jewish.

But after 994 words I probably should get to the motivation of writing this piece and that is that fucking piece of garbage Designated Hitter of ours.

If there is a poster boy of this teams pop-gun offense (remember the one that was going to score 1,000 runs?) then it is this fucking Born-Again cunt, Gary Sheffield.

The same Gary Sheffield who has been chronically hurt since his arrival in town most likely because he can't take non-rectal steroids any longer.

The same Gary Sheffield who is hitting a pathetic .225 this season and has an anemic OPS of .706. And let me tell you, a DH with .706 OPS is like a biochemist with a closed head injury.

The same Gary Sheffield who currently has one more RBI than [Shani's Husband].

The same Gary Sheffield whose 2009 baseball card is going to have a picture of him grounding into a double play.

The same Gary Sheffield who should have been cut two months ago because he offers the team nothing, but somehow his retarded manager still feels indebted to him because of something that occurred eleven years ago. (

Gary Sheffield personifies EVERYTHING that is wrong with this team.

Overpaid.

Underachieving.

Given a contract extension although he did nothing in Detroit to deserve it.

Can't play a position in the field.

Untradeable.

And over the weekend to top it all off we find out that the twat wants to be dealt because he isn't happy with his role or the fact that the team isn't winning. EVEN THOUGH HE IS MAJOR CULPRIT FOR WHY THE FUCKING TEAM IS A DISGRACE.

Here are some of this cocksuckers' quotes he gave to the Boston Globe over the weekend:

"I don't prefer platooning here, but I understand because I got off to a slow start, that's part of it, but I feel I'm playing better now. I'm back to being a threat I need to be.

Platooning? This guy thinks he is platooning? In August he has played 7 of 8 games. Cal Ripken and Lou Gehrig wouldn't play 8 out of 8 games if they were managed by the Emaciated Marlboro Man so how the fuck is that PLATOONING?

"I don't get pitched the same like everybody else. I get pitched very carefully. Now that I'm a lot better physically, I can handle tough pitching. I can be the player that I know I am."

What is it about Tigers hitters hitting .220 in August that compels them to make the comment that they aren't pitched to like everyone else? It was about a year ago that [Shani's Husband] said the same dumb fucking thing.

You can handle tough pitching now that you are healthy? In August you are hitting .192!!!!!!

"I can be in the outfield and play every day. I don't want to DH. I don't feel like a baseball player when I DH. I don't know how to be the leader that I am from the bench. I can't be a vocal leader. I can't talk to guys from the bench because I don't feel right about it.

I'm in a role now where I don't know what to do, really. The guys are out there busting their butt for nine innings, they come in and they hit and they grind. I just sit down and hit. That's all I do, so I can't be in a leadership role from that position."

Well, let me explain what your role is Gary. IT IS TO FUCKING HIT THE GOD DAMN BASEBALL. You really want to know why you can't play the outfield? Why don't you look at your injury history since MLB cracked down on steroids.

And I love this shit about not being able to be a leader as a DH. How does that even make sense?

"The Yankees knew I wanted to go to Boston. They picked up my option so I wouldn't wind up there. I would have loved it because I love that atmosphere. It means something. At this stage of my career, I want to feel that again. That's what I play for. That's what gets me revved up."

We could have only gotten so lucky if you would have wound up in Boston. I am sure we could have found a DH for far less than what you make to have a slugging percentage of .423.

It is good to know that earning your $13 million salary doesn't get you "revved up" you fucking piece of excrement.

But my favorite quote from Sheffield was the following:

"Look at Tampa Bay. When we played them recently, there was one reason why they're having the year they are - pitching and defense. We've got to be able to finish off games that we're winning."

Awesome. The reason the Tigers aren't winning is pitching and defense.

Coincidentally enough those are two jobs that Sheffield isn't responsible for as a DH.

Way to throw the rest of the team under the bus while you have been an albatross ALL FUCKING YEAR not to mention a majority of your tenure in Detroit.

Sirius(XM)ly, we traded away a guy who since the deal had to have Tommy John surgery and hasn't pitched an inning in the majors for Sheffield AND WE ARE THE ONES WHO GOT THE RAW END OF THE TRADE!

Hopefully some stupid GM will be dumb enough to take this perennial crybaby/cancer off our hands so the team can spend that $13 million elsewhere during the offseason.

I am guessing Matt Joyce or Marcus Thames can put up similar numbers to Sheffield at the fraction of the cost.

And if they can't at least the Oncologist's Worst Nightmare won't feel guilty in benching whoever replaces Sheffield because the guy helped him win a World Series in 1997.

Fuck Cancer Stick.

Fuck "Sheff".

And fuck the 2008 Detroit Tigers.

I don't want to go all Billie Joe Armstrong here on you, but wake me up when September ends.

With the news earlier this week that filming of the Sasha Baron Cohen film "Bruno" has commenced in Los Angeles, I thought it would be a good time to bring back the DSR's version of Fact or Fiction.

So in honor of the Austrian gay fashionista let's play Ach, Ya (Fact) or Nitcht-Nitcht (Fiction).

Should the Tigers consider the option of recalling pitching phenom Rick Porcello during the 2008 season?

Ach, Ya.

Before you have me committed for suggesting that the Tigers should call up a 19-year old kid who hasn't even thrown one pitch in the minor leagues as of this writing, please hear me out.

First of all, a number of things would have to occur before this should even be considered.

The most important caveat being that Porcello would have to absolutely DOMINATE his competition while in Lakeland or West Michigan.

If there is any chance that Porcello can help in Detroit later this summer, it won't be good enough if the kid just pitches well or is even very good in the minors. No, I am talking about Justin Verlander-esque unhittable shit while down on the farm.

Secondly, the bullpen will have to totally fall apart. I know, believing that this is a possibility is a HUGE leap of faith.

I mean, who isn't totally confident that a soon-to-be 40-year old closer, Todd Jones, will continue his high-wire act over the last couple of years and successfully close out games?

I am sure that there is nothing disconcerting about Jonesycakes having a 24.55 ERA in Grapefruit League action or the fact that the homophobe can't get out of an inning of work without giving up four runs thus getting yanked.

No more an authority then Tigers manager Jim Leyland said this after a recent atrocious outing by the Tigers hick closer, "Closers are never good when they're coming in during the third or fourth inning. That's been going on for 100 years."

Really, Cancer Stick? 100 years? There have been closers for a full century? It seems your baseball history knowledge is about as impressive as your in-game decision making.

Fernando Rodney was SUPPOSED to be the set-up man to the closer who can't currently get anyone out, but he hasn't thrown a pitch in Florida as of yet because of shoulder tendinitis.

And counting on Rodney's health is the equivalent of depending on the Detroit cops to show up at your home during a burglary if you don't have a city councilmember's phone number on speed dial.

You think Jason Grilli is the answer? Well, then the question must be which Tigers reliever has the most MySpace friends. Ummm, Grilli is a long-reliever. Nothing more, nothing less. He went well out of his way to prove that theory in 2007.

Zach Miner? Decent pitcher, but he is a fringe pen guy at best.

Francisco Cruceta had some nice stats last year ............... in Oklahoma. And it would appear that Lou Dobbs has built a wall around the southern border that is preventing the righty from getting into the country.

Amy Winehouse didn't have Cruceta's kind of visa problems and her passport photo showed the singer with a hypodermic needle sticking out of her arm.

Denny Bautista has a 100 mph fastball.

To go along with a career ERA of 6.93 and a WHIP of 1.73. NEXT!

Jordan Tata had an atrocious spring and that was BEFORE he did his best Kevin Brown imitation. And when I say Kevin Brown imitation, I mean breaking his hand punching a wall and not developing a nasty sinker.

What I am trying to say here is that the Tigers bullpen very likely might SUCK ASS.

And because the Tigers have gutted their farm system in the last two years, you have to wonder what assets they will have at the deadline to bolster their relief pitching if push comes to shove.

(And please save your emails that the Tigers are going to hit some mother load of bullpen arms when they finally ship [Shani's Husband] out of town. Unless Lynn Henning gets a General Manager gig in the near future, in exchange for peddling the Human Check Swing Strikeout's contract off on another team, we will probably get someone like Aquafina Lopez or Virgil Vasquez.)

And if you are counting on the return of Joel Zumaya, you are probably a delusional human being. I don't doubt that Zumaya will be pitching in August, but I have a feeling the former flamethrower will look a lot more like a 1987 Frank Tanana than a 1977 version.

So if Porcello is TRULY the next Josh Beckett and the best high school pitcher to enter the draft in years, is it inconceivable that he could help out in the middle innings this August and September?

I am not talking about starting or closing or even as a set-up man. Just some relatively non-pressure situations in the sixth and seventh innings.

Trust me, if Porcello had a 24.55 ERA, I probably wouldn't be suggesting anything this drastic. But in three outings the kid has an ERA of 1.59. And in two of those appearances he didn't give up a hit or walk.

Finally, I read these comments about Porcello recently and I found them interesting:

"This is a different cat™ (Rasheed Wallace). He's not in awe of anything. He knows exactly what he's doing. He's got tremendous poise."

But you might want to take those comments with a grain of salt though. It is the same cocktard who said that closers have been experiencing Spring Training problems for 100 years.

I am not saying that Porcello is going to be ready late this summer or not. But I don't think his age and inexperience should automatically rule out an audition if a lot of the above takes place.

Will Justin Verlander win 30 games this year?

Nitcht-Nitcht.

A couple of weeks ago Atlanta Braves manager Bobby Cox did his best Sparky Anderson impression when he audaciously suggested that Verlander could win 30 games in 2008.

And while it is true that the Tigers will most likely have the best everyday lineup in baseball and it is possible that JV could be the best starter in baseball with a little improvement, there is no way that Verlander is going to win 30 games.

It might be possible that a healthy Verlander could actually EXIT 30 games this year with a lead, but how many of those will a bullpen, that I just suggested might need the assistance of a 19-year old, blow?

Especially if Verlander doesn't learn how to get deeper into games.

Terry Foster is the best sports writer in Detroit?

Hahahaha .......... Must ........ Hahahahaha ...... Start ......... Hahahahaha ........ Breathing.

Holy shit.

Nitcht-Motherfucking-Nitcht.

You might be asking yourself, why the hell is Moss even asking this question.

Well, it would appear that Foster has been named Motown's best sport writer by the poor man's version of the Metro Times, Real Detroit Weekly.

Now, I am quite aware that at this point being named Detroit's best sports writer isn't exactly a wonderful accomplishment, but shouldn't the recipient actually be a SPORTS WRITER?

In recent years, The Detroit News has relegated the guy to a lowly blogger. At this point in their careers, I am not sure what the difference is between Dana Wakiji and Foster.

Hell, Foster even alluded to the fact that he doesn't make the newspaper very often by saying, "(I) sometimes eagerly look for my byline in the newspaper."

Mehmet to Real Detroit Weekly, YOU JUST GAVE YOUR HONOR FOR BEST DETROIT SPORTS WRITER TO A GUY WHO IN HIS "ACCEPTANCE SPEECH" ADMITS THAT HIS WORK RARELY MAKES THE ACTUAL HARD COPY OF THE PAPER ANYMORE!!!

This is about as preposterous as the NHL giving Chris Simon the Lady Byng Trophy this season and that isn't even an overstatement.

Not to mention that half of the time, Foster's BLOGS aren't even about SPORTS. You are more likely to read about Foster's daughter Celine's soccer tournaments, his son "Little B" getting beat up at the bus stop or some sort of self-pimping by the guy for one of his side projects.

I thought Real Detroit Weekly couldn't top themselves after giving this honor to Foster's fellow co-worker, Rob Parker, in 2007, but I was wrong.

So last year they thought the best sports writer was a fuckhead who can't string three sentences together and in 2008 they honor a guy who ISN'T EVEN ALLOWED BY HIS PAPER to string three sentences together.

Perfect.

So why is Foster still even employed by the paper in the first place? Surely the paper could replace Foster with someone else at 1/10th the cost.

Well, my moles™ (Real Detroit Weekly's 2007 Sports Writer of the Year) are telling me that the newspaper is terrified that if they off Foster, he will turn around and slap them with a racially tinged wrongful dismissal lawsuit™ (Perry Farrell).

Hold on.

I just got off the phone with Real Detroit Weekly and they have another award to announce.

The 2008 Detroit City Employee of the Year is ........... (Drumroll Please) ...........

We have a three-way tie between Matt Allen, Christine Beatty and Kwame Kilpatrick.

I have an idea for you, Real Detroit Weekly.

Stick to bi-females seeking one-legged, post-op tranny classified ads and leave the awards to somebody else.

Before I get to the latest Mossisms™ column, I would first like to mention that today is the DSR's Fifth Anniversary.

Incredibly enough it has now been a half a decade since I decided that if I didn't start this site to distract me from my sports gambling problem that I would either end up without fingers, sans knees or Gregg's butler.

In the past five years the site has gone through a lot of changes and I know I haven't written as many columns as most of you would like. But I am currently very happy with the direction of the DSR.

Making the DSR Forums a part of the main website was a major step in getting more viewers to the place that really keeps the DSR afloat. Notice that I said viewers and not posters because in the last five years I have discovered that most readers of the site SHOULDN'T be contributing to our message boards.

So if I ever go a couple of days without posting an article, you should check out the Forums because more likely than not, I am spewing my particular brand of venom over there. My nearly 11,000 posts in the past 2 1/2 years will verify that.

In the next few weeks I am going to have some Fifth Anniversary related material on the site which will include the DSR Raggies. Of course, if the next few weeks are anything like the last five years, you will not be getting ANY 5th Anniversary related material or the DSR Raggies.

Please Stop Comparing Randy Smith to Matt Millen

I really don't care about the Detroit Lions.

I have no interest in writing about this pathetic organization that doesn't care enough about itself to fire the worst executive in the history of professional sports.

I couldn't even get motivated to write a column about the team when Matt Millen topped himself a couple of weeks ago when by trading Shaun Rogers.

I mean, the guy actually made a trade with Cincinnati for a 3rd and 5th round pick only to have the deal struck down by the NFL.

When the trade was announced I thought it was a horrible trade. As flawed a player as Rogers is and was, he was still the team's most dominant player. And you just traded him for a 3rd and 5th round pick.

Or to put that in Matt Millen parlance, you just traded your best defensive player for:

Brian Calhoun and Jonathon Scott.
Stanley Wilson and Dan Orlovsky.
Keith Smith and Alex Lewis.
Andre Goodman and James Davis.

But I wasn't going to criticize the Retarded Mustache for only getting a 3rd and 5th round selection.

I mean, all the Saints could get for Jonathon Vilma was a conditional third round draft choice. And the Panthers couldn't get jack shit for Kris Jenkins.

If anything, I would have bitched that Millen waited until the absolute worst possible moment to trade the guy. In typical Millen fashion, he waited until the Lions had absolutely ZERO leverage in making a move and took whatever he could get in return.

But I wouldn't have bitched about the 3rd and 5th round pick because that seemed to be the going rate for a guy like Rogers.

Well, that was until the deal was nixed and Millen somehow ended up dealing Rogers to Cleveland for a 3rd round pick and CB Leigh Bodden.

Now, I am not an expert on the Cleveland Browns cornerbacks, but I have done some research on this Bodden character and found out that in 2007 he played in all 16 games and had six interceptions.

If Bodden got beat on every other pass thrown to his side of the field last year, the six INTs would still be more of an accomplishment than ANY 5th round selection that Millen has made during his tenure.

A couple of years ago, divisional rival and perennial Pro-Bowl wide receiver Chad Johnson called Bodden the toughest cover guy he had faced that year.

I am just going out on a limb here by saying that Bodden is probably better than the next Johnny Baldwin.

So it would appear that Millen ACTUALLY made a decent trade here. Except for one thing. IF THE LEAGUE DIDN'T VETO THE BENGALS TRADE, THE BROWNS DEAL NEVER WOULD HAVE FUCKING HAPPENED!!!!! The dude actually pulled off the incredible feat of making a good trade and looking more incompetent than ever.

And seriously, did the Browns view Millen as a charity case? If they had access to the Internet, they had to know that Millen set the value for Rogers at a 3rd and 5th round pick.

Why the fuck would they then give him Bodden instead? Unreal.

But I didn't want to make this article about the Rogers trade although it appears I just did. What I really wanted to comment on is this "hilarious" comparison of Millen and Rod Marinelli to former Tigers General Manager Randy Smith.

And when I say hilarious, I mean totally played out, predictable and uncreative. You see, Randy Smith was once the Tigers General Manager. But before that, he was the GM of the San Diego Padres.

And when he came to Detroit, he had a propensity to add mediocre ex-Padres to the Tigers roster.

So now fast forward to 2008 and the Lions are acquiring ex-Tampa Bay Bucs at a ridiculous rate. Dwight Smith, Brian Kelly, Chuck "Wishing You A Wishing Well" Darby are all ex-Buccaneers who have somehow landed in Detroit with Marinelli and his son-in-law.

As ridiculous as bringing all of these ex-Bucs to Detroit (when can we expect the pirate ship and the Treasure Island-esque cannon to arrive?), enough with the Randy Smith comparison.

Between the media and the Lions fans brilliant observational humor on the subject, the Smith-Millen-Marinelli joke is quickly becoming the Detroit sports equivalent of "Not that there is anything wrong with that."

Please stop already.

And this isn't meant to be a defense of Randy Smith. Anyone who has been around for the entire five years of the DSR knows that I HATE the guy.

To mock him, we renamed him the "Son of Tal Smith" in an effort to belittle the child of the longtime Houston Astros executive.

The guy was in charge of the Tigers for six years and they never had a winning season. When he left the team they were in shambles and on the precipice of a 119 loss season.

In 2005 "The Son of Tal Smith" was named as the most hated person among Tigers fans in a 2005 ESPN poll.

He tried to give Juan Gonzalez a $140 million contract that would still be an albatross™ (Grant Hill) suffocating the CURRENT team if Juan-Gone would have accepted it.

And when "The Son of Tal Smith" was finally fired in the opening days of the 2002 season, he had the nerve to say, "I think we've done some good things." After having a record of 411-566 in a little over six years, he had the unmitigated gall to say that he had done some good things.

And that record didn't even include leaving the cupboard so fucking bare that the Tigers lost 225 games in the year that he was fired and the subsequent season.

And with ALL OF THAT SAID, it is still an insult to the "Son of Tal Smith" to compare him to Matt Millen. At least Smith had a modicum of success in San Diego.

And Millen would give his left testicle™ (Lance Armstrong) to have Smith's Detroit winning percentage of .421. Fuck, Millen makes "The Son of Tal" look like Red Auerbach.

And as big an abortion as SOTS was, he never killed my love for the Tigers.

I wish I could say the same thing about Millen.

You remember Millen, right?

The guy who traded Dre Bly to Denver for George Foster and Tatum Bell only to watch those two fail miserably and get benched for the majority of the 2007 season.

And why did Millen re-sign Bell and the Human False Start Penalty? Because Millen theorizes that a guy who won one Super Bowl and took another team to the title game couldn't figure out how to maximize their potential, but a failed head coach of the Purdue Boilermakers can.

It took five years, but there is your first pro-"Son of Tal Smith" Mossisms™.

Happy Anniversary, Roid Boy.

And Finally ....

This week I will be adding a new blog to the site. I doubt most of you will give two shits about it, but I will be writing a Horse Racing article in addition to this column.

Because 99.9%™ (Michael Jordan) of you don't care about thoroughbred racing, I am keeping that blog separate from this one and treating it like a spin-off.

If I get the national feedback that I anticipate, I will probably start a whole new website in addition to this one. Just consider the new blog the DSR's version of "The Tortellis".

Hopefully it will be a little more successful than the "Cheers" offspring.