There are different levels of desperation in this world and unfortunately a lot of Detroiters are experiencing varying degrees of despair due to the economy on a daily basis.

Just the other day I was putting gas into my car at the corner of 14 mile and Haggerty. Not exactly a depressed area to say the least when a dude in a well maintained Oldsmobile Bravada pulled up to the pump adjacent to mine.

I figured the guy was about to start pumping gas into his SUV at the incredibly reasonable rate of $2.97 per gallon when I saw something that I couldn’t believe.

This older gentleman in a late model luxury vehicle went from trash bin to trash bin looking for recyclable cans that he could turn in for the whopping ten-cent deposit.

(Honestly, I don’t know what late model means in respect to cars and I never have, but it always sounded cool in an All-Points-Bulletin so I figured I would throw it in.)

The guy collected some recyclables, got back into his truck and presumably drove to the next gas station to look for some more empties.

He never put an ounce of gas in his Olds nor went inside to purchase a soda or a Slim Jim. He was just there in a desperate attempt to make some cash ten cents at a time even if he had to sift through GARBAGE to do so.

I found myself in a similar level of desperation last weekend in Chicago although it had nothing to do with my personal finances and everything to do with the current status of the four professional Detroit sports teams.

While dining at a restaurant in Chicago’s Chinatown last Saturday, I actually pulled out my iPad, connected to a Slingbox player in my family room 274 miles away and watched a Lions EXHIBITION game against the Denver Broncos.

Now, this might not be an earth-shattering event for a lot of LOSER Detroit Lions fans who live on the MLIVE.com Lions Forum, tailgate at Ford Field and who have deluded themselves into thinking the team is actually, you know, professional.

But I am DEFINITELY not THAT GUY. In fact, since the day Barry Sanders faxed his retirement decision to the Wichita Eagle, I have been a Lions fan in name only.

After years of being tortured by the Ford Family’s employment of Matt Millen, my “fandom” turned ugly.

I publicly announced in this space that I would throw a party the week that William Clay Ford, Sr. died with the first round of drinks on me.

(This isn’t a joke, by the way and the party is still on. In fact, I now have a location selected. The Red Rock Bar and Grill in Sylvan Lakes, Michigan. And after seeing the movie “Get Low” this weekend with Bobby Duvall and Bill Murray, I am more intent on having this mock wake when the old man finally drops dead. Stay tuned for further details.)

And when I wasn’t openly rooting for the death of the franchise’s abortion of an owner, I was rooting for the team to lose. I was doing this in the hopes of either getting Millen fired or Marinelli or Mariucci shit-canned or to obtain a better draft choice in the NFL Draft.

I probably can count on two hands the number of games that I have actually wanted the Lions to win in the last few years. That isn’t a joke. I truly haven’t wanted to witness the Lions be successful while Ford, Sr. was still on this side of the grass.

(I mean, I am like 45 years younger than the old drunk, if I can’t outlive THAT liver, I don’t’ deserve to enjoy a Super Bowl victory.)

And I still have that feeling. When and if the apocalypse occurs and the Lions get to a Super Bowl, I don’t want Senior there. I am sorry, you can call me an asshole or cruel or whatever the fuck you want, but I will NEVER get over the fact that he kept Millen employed for YEARS after it was obvious to everyone with a pulse that The Moustache was a functional retard.

And I am not even sure he was functional.

Nor will I ever get past the fact that his incompetent stewardship of the Lions forced the greatest NFL player of ALL-TIME to prematurely retire because he got sick of the losing.

And because he said “FUCK YOU!” to ALL of us by keeping the worst team executive in sports HISTORY in a position of power for years and because he chased #20 to London a decade ago, I DON’T EVER WANT TO SEE HIM HOLDING THE LOMBARDI TROPHY in his frail mitts.

I know it is cold-hearted, but I hope the stories of his failing health are true.

Meanwhile, I have no such animosity for Bill Ford, Jr. even though he orchestrated the whole Millen debacle in the first place.

First of all, Junior actually has a brain and his leadership at Ford over the last couple of years is proof of that. Junior kept the company out of bankruptcy. In stark contrast, Senior (in his younger days) was wanted around the Glass House as much as Glenn Beck would be welcome in the studio audience of “Real Time with Bill Maher.”

Secondly, the “kid” wanted Millen gone as bad as the fan base did for a LONG TIME and finally forced his senile pops to make the move by going public with his opinion of Millen.

I will have no problem with the kid getting his Rocky Wirtz moment if the Lions ever do anything of consequence once the old man croaks.

So why was a guy who watched with glee the Tom “Breath Mints” Lewand DUI in-dash cop car video 25 times sitting at the Evergreen Restaurant watching the Lions play an EXHIBITION game on a 9.7 inch screen?

For the same reason that guy was picking through candy wrappers and trash in a garbage can looking for Diet Coke bottles. Desperation.

I mean, look at the current Detroit sports scene.

The Tigers went from contending in the AL Central at the All-Star break to falling completely out of the race in a matter of two weeks.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, Mike Ilitch gave Cancer Stick Leyland a vote of confidence and that piece of shit manager now says he wants to continue managing in Detroit for YEARS.

(And as AWFUL as it is to watch Leyland pencil in Gerald Laird’s name on a regular basis, can you imagine how infuriating it will if Emaciated Hitler sticks around long enough to mange his own son, Patrick??? If Leyland refuses to bench a guy who single handedly cost the team a PLAY-IN GAME last year and who didn’t get his average over .200 until late August of this year, what do you think his tolerance threshold will be for his OWN SON behind the plate?)

Which brings us to the Pistons. In the last few months we have dealt with the following stories regarding our basketball team:

1. They won a bunch of MEANINGLESS GAMES in the last week of the season that knocked them out of any chance of drafting DeMarcus Cousins. Then Joe Dumars failed to do anything before the draft in an attempt to get the guy who even HE THOUGHT was the most talented player AVAILABLE. His fallback position was to select a guy with all of the passion of Curtis Granderson in Greg Monroe.

2. Then we had to endure idiotic rumors that the team would move to Las Vegas while Karen Davidson found a new owner for the team.
3. Subsequently, the lead candidate for the new owner of the team became the Ilitch Family. A bunch of people who like basketball as much as Bill Davidson’s widow who can’t wait to sell the team against her deceased husband’s wishes.
4. The team’s big free-agent acquisition was Anfernee Hardaway. Or maybe it was Tracy McGrady. I can’t remember. Anyway, you might remember the artist formerly known as “T-Mac” as the guy who partnered up with that backstabbing bitch, Grant Hill, years ago in Orlando.
   
   The same guy who proclaimed during a Pistons-Magic playoff matchup that he wanted to close out the series at the Palace to shove it in the faces of Pistons fans who were upset that Hill left Detroit for Orlando. This announcement came right before the Pistons rebounded from a 3-1 deficit and McGrady never got to close out the series ANYWHERE. And this was when the guy was actually good and not decrepit.
5. That whining cunt Richard Hamilton is inexplicably still on the roster. Along with Tayshaun Prince for reasons nobody can fathom.
6. And to top off this wonderful summer, longtime Pistons executive Matt Dobek committed suicide by hanging himself. (Not that you would have read that in ANY of the Detroit newspapers. I guess that wasn’t an important part of the story. Either that or they are all protecting SOMEONE.)

Yep, the loyal Pistons employee worked for the team for 29 years. Then one day he showed up at the Palace and was told he was done. The people at the Palace then took away his Blackberry and his company car and asked him to clean his desk before ushering him out of the building.

But hey, before Dobek tied that noose, he should have looked on the bright side. At least the Palace employees gave him a ride home and didn’t make him call for a cab!

And the Red Wings summer consisted of the exciting re-signing of a 40-year old defenseman, a 40-year old center and Ruslan Salei who only plays like he is 40.

And now we are getting late information that the “Malts Era” might not even be over as to the delight of overweight women in Southgate, Kirk Maltby might be returning to the team somehow.

And while the Wings will probably be fine, they are about seven months away from playing a meaningful game.

Which leads us back to the Lions. The only Detroit team in the foreseeable future that might give us any entertainment at all.

A team that has won TWO games in the last TWO SEASONS!

An organization that ESPN the Magazine is predicting will win a whopping THREE games THIS SEASON!

A franchise that might have the worst collection of linebackers and cornerbacks in the history of organized football!

Call me batshit crazy, but this is the most excited I have been about an NFL team since I heard a rumor that Barry Sanders would be willing to play for the Miami Dolphins.

Instead of having a metro sexual piano player or Oral Roberts playing QB, we have a dude who most likely is the real deal in Matthew Stafford.

For the first time since #20 became a full-time banker and not the most electrifying player in the NFL, the Lions have a running back (Jahvid Best) that CAN’T be timed running the 40 with a sundial.

And while the wisdom of the contract Nate Burleson signed can be debated and trading ANY linebacker for another tight end (Tony Scheffler) was bizarre, AT LEAST the Lions have some options for Stafford other than Calvin Johnson.

And that is why I was getting mustard and duck sauce on my iPad last weekend. Between their offensive options and the development of Ndamdsdsfdsfdjggpong Suh, the Lions are now going to be fun to watch.

Especially if you like betting the over in NFL games.

So yeah, it is desperate, but it is about all we have at the moment. And because the defense is still so bad, the team is still a few years away from seriously contending.

And by then the Old Man should be gone which will make everything perfect.

I might be an eternal optimist, but I don’t see myself rooting for Lions losses this year until AFTER Daylight Savings time.

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